Less Hopeful

(Warning: the first half of this post is very emo. I apologize to subjecting you all to my venting but this week has been pretty isolating and I felt like I needed to write it down. Skip to the deep fried meme below for happier thoughts)

Hey gang. So by now you all already know the big thing that happened this week which now makes many of my previous posts smack of dramatic irony, so I will not rehash it.

It has been a very long week. I still have many more questions than I have answers as to what's next for me this semester unfortunately. Administration has yet to get back to me, though they did tell Emma H. that they cannot guarantee that AP or summer online courses will be valid credits for us, which could mean that I am forced to graduate in January 2022.

I am still hopeful, even though administration has been frankly not helpful so far. They still don't really know what to do with us yet and have said that they're not sure they can help us recover the credits we missed this semester. It's pretty frustrating the lack of communication we've gotten from the college and I'm working myself up a bit right now talking about it. There's more to it than this, but if you want to know more message me because I don't want to subject everyone to my stress and frustration at the moment.

Other than that, the very sexy truth of late is that I have been a wee bit depressed. Probably since the program got delayed the first time.

I'm not really too sad about not getting to go to Korea. Like, yes, I am bummed because it's hard for me to imagine when it would be financially possible for me to go on any kind of vacation to Korea in the near future, and I was really hoping to see the cherry blossoms, and I've been learning Korean for 2.5 years and now I just feel like I'll never use it in any meaningful context (not that reading webcomics is not meaningful but, well, you know). But that's all pretty superficial stuff honestly.

The reason I think I've been feeling sad is that I just feel like I've wasted the past two months doing basically nothing. Like when I got back from DC I made a conscious decision not to get an internship or anything - partially because I figured I would only be home for 1.5 months, which is pretty short to get a part-time job or internship, but also because I really just wanted a long break at home. But now that the program is cancelled, I feel like I've just been sitting at home for the last two months for no reason, and now I have nothing going on at all. I haven't felt this idle in a long time.

And of course I didn't know that this was going to be the case - if I did, I would have applied for a spring internship or a part-time job - but all the same, I just feel bored and motionless.

I don't know. I hope I don't sound too much like a petulant child or anything. The best way of putting it is that I feel a bit like I've been spending a year away from my life. Like, as grateful as I am for my semester in DC and even though I did fun stuff with my friends there when I could, I did feel pretty lonely there. It was hard to find a lot of time to be social compared to Smith, considering how busy all of the people in my program were, since we worked full-time on top of our coursework and independent research paper. And most of my friends were at Smith, so I could really feel myself wishing I was there too and missing what it felt like to be in Capen and have a bunch of friends and just people to talk to living all around me.

And now, I guess I feel really isolated again, stuck in my hometown, with nothing going on, while most everyone else I know is studying abroad or back at Smith. I have a couple friends and my family here of course but I haven't felt so lonely in a long time. But I feel like everyone else I know is just living their lives right now. And I don't want to keep bothering everyone by, like, texting them about how I'm sad or lonely or whatever. If anything, doing that just makes me feel worse.

So things are really hard right now. And I'm hoping they look up, but gosh I feel so inert right now. And sorry again to put this all down here, I feel like many of my posts this past year have been so very emo. I just felt like I needed to get this down for now and hopefully won't need to bring it up again.

Well anyway, let me make a small list of some actually nice things that happened this week:

- The day I found out the news about Korea and then Smith was basically like "unfortunately we basically can't help you good luck queens :-)" I was really sad and so Colleen and River surprised me with snacks and it was very sweet and I am very grateful to have them in my life

- I saw Jojo Rabbit for the second time because my dad loves the movie a lot and he wanted to take my brother to see it. Still a very fun watch. I know Rachel has seen it but I think the rest of you would like it too

- I watched Boy by Taika Waititi on the recommendation of Rachel! It was very good. I'm a big fan of Waititi's style and I really loved all the fun scenes where Boy is imagining his dad is Michael Jackson and stuff like that

- I saw Portrait of a Lady on Fire on Saturday with Kyra who is a Mount Holyoke grad who knows a certain blogger friend's older sister [eyes emoji] who I know now lol. THe movie was very very good!! Exquisite cinema!

- And then after we went to this children's book store/cafe in Dedham that I've always seen but never been in and they had these Greg Heffley stickers for some reason and they were just free? (I could not believe they were free so I was too scared to ask but Kyra is a braver soul than I and I am indebted to her for this. Don't worry I swiped extras) and then after we went to this sushi place in Norwood and they had fried ice cream and I've always wanted to get it so we did and um...it slaps quite hard

- I saw this skeleton when I went for a jog around my neighborhood a couple days ago...kind of obsessed with him

Well, I can still hope a little: here's to a better week. Hope you all are staying safe and healthy <3