when it's not really late but late enough that you feel lazy

I apologize for my lack of post last week! It was the day before my birthday, which in retrospect, was the perfect time for some reflections. I don't work on Wednesdays, but it's about momentum and when I have nothing to do is when I'm my laziest. This is all to say, I'm not sure if we're doing punishments (jury's out), but I don't want to risk it again.

I have a lot I want to record and write about (my birthday, H's birthday, Aboni and Naoni's visit to Amiens, etc etc) but I'm feeling lazy and tired even though it's only 10:30 pm. I hope you all will find it it your hearts to wait a little bit. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Also tell me this tickle in my throat is only a tickle and nothing more (I swear though, it's definitely not sore throat territory).

I can write a little more though and what's on my mind is some ~feelings~. I don't often go that route with my posts, but I want to save that brain energy for another day (adding all the pictures is what gets tiring for me...). Also some of my favorite posts from you guys is when it's more about how you're feeling than the exterior world (don't get me wrong though, I like to know both!)

Anyways, I was just out with H and his friends from his master's program. Don't get me wrong, they're all nice people. I don't think any of them I would call rude. But I have a lot of social anxiety and being aware of my behavior makes me even more anxious. Even in groups of English speakers, I can have a really hard time inserting myself into conversations unless I'm comfortable with the majority of the group. Comfortable meaning I think they're genuine people, not judgmental, and they ~see~ me. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I don't know. If I feel like someone doesn't acknowledge me or something I get too nervous to talk and clam up. It's a vicious cycle really because not saying anything will not make someone know you better or see you more as a person. Anyways, add into the mix another language and it's not such a good recipe. Sometimes I think I should go to therapy for this sort of anxiousness because it really makes me feel bad. But generally I guess I'm more of an avoidant type - ie I just stick to the people I like and don't seek out or agree to most situations with strangers. It's hard when you're in a relationship I guess because you have to make compromises sometimes when it comes to social styles. It's not a bad thing, but something to get used to.

Part of me feels like, especially when it comes to this situation, I'm being overly negative. All the times we've hung out with H's friends, it's been at bars. Several of his friends are not very careful with covid and it makes me uncomfortable. So I feel like that discomfort mixed with the anxiety can read as anger or annoyance. Like I said, I like these friends, but there's dissonance in wanting to be safe and wanting to be nice. Idk, I try to be careful with the people I interact with but I don't want to be rude.... people are tiring aren't they