Last week my post was kind of short and I guess a cop out because I really didn't post anything. I guess this post will be trying to make up for it. First things first. I was not sad contrary to the popular belief. My last post was be being super lazy, as I was eating fries and oreos with Rachel and watching Ki-Ki's Delivery Service and partly forgetting I needed to post. Anyway, I didn't like the movie and walked home ahead of Rachel. I heard some noises behind me and called Sebastian walked home. Turned out I wasn't hearing things and Campus Police sent out an alert about a thief breaking into cars, so yeah that happened. Then it was in the high 90s here and people were really bugging out for NO REASON! Like I'm not saying it's not hot but it was not as unbearable like everyone was making it seem. Like there was still a breeze and the houses were cooler.
Anyway on Saturday me and Rachel went thrifting! I love thrifting so much, but I put a $30 limit on myself. I got so many cute items (all of which stunk I don't think this Goodwill actually washed the clothes before setting them out and thus I can't show you my haul because I haven't washed them yet). Then Rachel and I went to a talk on Sunday which was nice we learned about the African American Vernacular (I hate African american though it makes the assumption that all black people are African when that is definitely not the case!) and how this has caused black people to be assumed to have a language deficit when that really isn't the case.
Then Monday rolled around and all I really did was work, but these people from China came and they didn't speak English well and if they did they still spoke while I was, then guys didn't respect my personal space and would literally stand over me while I was talking (like literally breathing on my face!), they were taking pictures of me and this person who's non-binary because I was black and they were presenting as a different gender that they were born with. It was a horrible tour and it was so much so that the Office of Admissions has said that they won't being tours with that company again!
Finally Tuesday came and I think it was the worst of my homesickness and my self-esteem. It was very cathartic and good for me. I called my friends and family, but they were busy. Then I found out that all of my friends are literally smarter than me (like I'm not joking I didn't know Smith gave awards for academic achievements and my friends are over here on the top of the list). I felt lonely and just inferior. But I appreciated having these feelings they were humbling. I appreciated the loneliness because I am was able to appreciate the times I have with my friends. Like I take Sebastian's and Cassidy's time for granted because I know they will always respond to me, they are like a safety net and when they weren't able to respond I was able to take a step back and really appreciate all the times that they are there for me and how they are such good friends to me. I have taken Rachel for granted in the same way. We have been hanging out with each other all of the time and I got used to having her company, but since she has been working at Young for the last couple of days I was able to miss her and realize how much fun I have with her. Same with my mom. She has been busy planning for a family reunion and hosting it that she hasn't been able to talk to her and I realize how much I actually talk to her and how I too underappreciate the relationship I have with her. Then my self-esteem hit rock bottom.
I suffer from an inferior-complex. I live a life where I believe everyone around me is better than me. I try not to let is get to me too much, but over the course of the week I realized that a lot of my friends are better than me. Like I always feel this way, but when it's proven I feel like garbage. I started thinking about all of the ways that I am inferior. With these thoughts I have formulated a plan in how I can better myself. A good metaphor would be like my inferiority complex is like an autoimmune disease. My body is hurting itself. Once I find a new drug and my symptoms are gone for a while I have a relapse, then I have to find a new hard pill to swallow and go through that for a couple of months until symptoms start showing up again. It's a constant battle, but each time I get through it and I am better equipped to empathize with those around me. (Self Reflection: A big problem I have is that I try to not think about my problems by staying busy so when I am not busy, like how I am everyday after 4 pm, I am forced to be with my thoughts and I hate it. I guess, going back to a conversation me and Rachel had, that's why I am judgmental. I get instant satisfaction of being able to assess something right in front of me. Someone else's problem. Hiding my own personal thoughts and feelings.)
So Wednesday was a much better day for me. I kept busy, watched YouTube, worked out, did my hair, talked to most of my friends and family, and fell asleep thanks to Netflix (John Mulaney is not funny!). Today hopefully be better than before! Thanks for coming to my part week summary part Ted Talk.
Suggestions:
Song: Girls and Boy--Jesse Rutherford (I have a lot of other songs that I have found by him so ask in the comments if you want some more songs), Tempo--Lizzo, Unemployed--Tierra Whack, Sunflower--Post Malone, Swae Lee (me and Rachel keep singing it lol)
Movie: American Beauty (one of my new fave movies!!!)
People: Rachel. Y'all are sleeping on how cool of a person she is. She's a little awkward, but in a quirky cool way. She's super creative and smart as well as just a good friend to me! So go on kids and talk to her become a better friend with her you won't regret it. I feel like I am slightly selling Rachel, but in a good way :))
I know this was so long ago, but I hope you are in a better place. And being introspective honestly makes things better, just don’t get too absorbed in it to the point where you are ruminating! But I have an inferior complex too, but strangely it doesn’t “affect” me. Like I just accept it and move on, so maybe you should try doing the same thing :’)
You're right about New Englanders being weak...can't argue with that there...I admit it I'm sorry you had such a rough tour with that company it sounds awful, hope that's the only time you have to deal with something like that. And wow this post is really reflective and philosophical. The autoimmune disease metaphor is a really neat way to think about it. I struggle with feeling inferior too and I know how hard it is, I'm glad you're thinking more about what makes you feel better though! It sounds like you're being really thoughtful and learning a lot about yourself!! And you're right, Rachel is so great!!! I will work harder to appreciate her
That's right people! you better appreciate me while you can!!! lol just kidding, you're being way too generous here aboni . but very philosophical and introspective thoughts! Those awards can for real make me feel bad, so it's ok,,, that's not where worth lies! I don't remember you saying that stuff explaining being judgmental sometimes, but I feel that. hard pills to swallow. Also, yes, new englanders are weak.