Social Distancing Thoughts

Pretty picture right (the quality is bad on here though lol)

I've noticed that a lot of my blog post have been about what I do and less about what I'm thinking and since I have been doing too many outdoors things I decided to burden y'all with my thoughts and to just take a moment to just really assess where I'm at mentally at this point of the year. So this will be one giant stream of consciousness.

I have noticed since we have started this blog that I have written a lot less inside my diary/ journal thing, but I have also just haven't had a lot of strong emotions. I realize that I have anger issues because once I'm mad I'm MAD. Like you can't reason with me and all I see is red and I will do and say anything to hurt that person. My older sister mentioned it and my mom was like yeah. And I'm like maybe my anger isn't normal. I remember my elementary school thought that Me and Naoni were really damaged by the abuse we were going through and made us do a lot of weird activities in order to "de-stress." But in reality they just annoyed me and made me dread any type of therapy even today. Anyway I remember one thing that the therapist taught me was to write down everything I thought and felt especially when I was feeling overwhelmed. The good part of this was that I tend to write in my journal when I have intense feelings and it helps me sort out my thoughts and calm down. The bad thing is that the journal gave me trust issues because I found out the therapist was encouraging my mom to read my journal. And I wrote down things that I knew that I had only written and didn't speak about and soon became paranoid and distrusting. I have since switched journals and now write in an inconspicuous journal. I'm thinking about it now and realized that all the blog writers, except Naoni, have yet to see me get REALLY mad. Like y'all have seen me annoyed and frustrated, but not mad which I think is a big improvement in my life and a new year's resolution that I have had for so long that I think I have 87% accomplished. Oh, I wanted to update y'all that my aunt is doing a lot better. They were gonna cut the cord on her last week, but she has made a miraculous turn around and now only has MRSA, which isn't good but at least it has a clear solution. Hopefully the antibiotics work and these bacteria aren't resistant to it. This situation has been mentally draining to me. I have been clinging on to my mom hoping to be around her whenever she hears any updates of my aunt. I haven't cried yet and realized that my way of dealing with any type of crisis is keeping busy and keeping a distance from anyone too emotional because if someone cries I feel like it might break me and I won't be able to repair myself. I love my aunt, and she has helped me so much though out my life. When my mom was homeless she let me move in with her (this is the time I "lived in NYC and long island) we were bouncing around family member's houses in the ghetto and the one person we spent a lot of time with was bipolar. So it felt like you were constantly walking on eggshells. She would get mad at us if we didn't eat all the food, not give us food some days, some days we wouldn't be able to go out. It was stressful times and my mom couldn't do anything about it since she was in Georgia so my aunt came, yelled at her, took us out of the house, and we never had to stay there again. She let me stay in her house and instead of mistreating us while she stayed there she treated us like people. She let us buy food that wasn't on the dollar menu which was a big deal because I at the time never ate out and when I did it was only food off of the dollar menu. She taught me that it was okay to have expensive taste in things. At the time I thought chipotle was God's food and McDonald's was reserved for those with money. She also taught me how people should treat you. If someone is mad they shouldn't yell and hit you, but instead talk and communicate like a human being. She was the first adult in my twelve years of life that I wasn't afraid of and could trust. I promised her that I would treat her in the same way she treated me, and if she died I would never be able to repay my debt to her. It wasn't debt, but just one of my biggest goals in life that would make me feel like I have made it in the world. I come from homelessness, with a drug addict and absent father, a depressed mother, both of whom were abusive, and massive instability, and extreme shyness. Today I am women who's majoring in Pre-med and French, TAing Physics at and not just any college but an elite all women's college, and friends that I can confide in and have fun with, and niblings that I love to death and who love me just the same. I feel like all throughout my childhood until my senior year in high school I was depressed and honestly today I can confidently say I am happy. There are still a lot of things that I want to achieve in life, but if I were to die today I can say that I was content with the changes I made in life.

A lot of people talk about things that they don't know a lot of things about and I feel that way about poverty and abuse. All of these fake people who have never experienced anything in life except for the joys that money can buy who talk about the effects of these things in real life. And it annoys me so much in higher education. Anyway, I think I'm done with my mental check for now. I think that even with everything going on in the world, specifically Corona, I'm happy and enjoying all that life has to offer!

I did her makeup because she asked me to, but I kind of did a bad job lol...but she still cute