My Happiness

I've realized recently that I'm very emotionally constipated. I force myself not to cry about things that make me sad/mad, I force myself to not get overly happy about things, I force myself to remain emotionally neutral. Because in all honestly, I think that emotions are utterly useless and only exist to complicate things, but isn't complications part of living? So I'm going to try to let myself emote a little more so that I can relate to people a little more and so that I can understand myself a little better. One of the downsides of trying to maintain emotionally neutrality at all times is that you forget how you're really feeling until something really does push you to the edge (and I really mean to the edge lol). Like, I didn't realize that I was sad and consequently self-isolating and going a little insane until I was taking a train back to my town, and I was about to step in-front of the train. It shocked me really because I kinda just went into auto-drive. I realized after talking to May and my dad that I was getting depressed and should probably try to spend time talking and being with others (even if I really do enjoy my own company). And since then I've been trying to "feel my feelings" and even though it sounds cheesy and like an utterly simple thing to do. It's REALLY HARD (that's something I've noticed about life the easier the statement the more difficult it is to accomplish lol). Like my mind automatically tries to reason why I'm feeling something rather than letting it be.

I think me realizing my issues, has to be due to me kinning this man a little bit *too* hard

Anyway, I say this all to say that being emotional constipated has left me not knowing how to feel sad or happy. Life has been quite plain for a while now. And I feel like with 2020 I shut off all feeling completely because I feel like I wasn't able to deal with the constant feeling of disappointment of missing out on my twenties and not necessarily feeling like I have the freedom to do what I want because I'm trying to protect myself and those around me. Insert constant family issues and worry about my kids, I couldn't handle and became numb. And in an attempt to avoid being a bum and laying about all day every day, I tried to create a schedule for myself, but in doing, so I created my worst nightmare: mundanity. I hate the mundane, but that's how I feel like life is every single day. A constant, predictable cycle that won't seem to end. So to curve this feeling I've decided to make a list of things that make me happy and that I appreciate :) (sorry this got so depressing lol, but hey if I got to deal with my emotions for once maybe it's best I get help from those around me).

I realize I really do value the people in my life, even if I don't speak to them every day. They're on my mind. I think about what Erin ate for the day, whether Rachel is napping right now, if Caitlin is allowing people to truly see her, if Naoni is laughing right now, if my niblings are happy, if my parents are growing to be better people, if Day is becoming the women she dreamed to be, if Sebastian is hanging out with others, if May is continuing to make the life of those around her better, and so many more people. I wish I could randomly message people from my middle and high school that made my depressing life a little more happy. But when I think about all those people, I get sad because I just want to be with them at all times, but I can't. So I just think about them on my own, constantly worrying and thinking about them.

I also value having the freedom to pretty much travel whenever I want to. I realized during the pandemic I've been to almost every state, went to a bunch of cities in France, and even been to Belgium. And sure I wish I could go to more places, but as of right now the places I've traveled to make happy to think about. And aside from traveling, I'm happy to just have a disposable income. Growing up, I really didn't get much. I remember going to McDonald's was expensive and going to Steak n Shake/ Stevie B's was the peak luxury. I cherished every little thing I got, whether it was a sample perfume/ lotion from the mall or the dollar store toy that's going to break in two days, lol. Today I have to combat the idea that what I have I must use sparingly because this is all I have. With my skin care I find myself not wanting to use an acne patch because I should save it for a bigger zit when in reality I bought it for any and all zits I have. Or when I sparingly use lotions, creams, and serums because I want it to "last" whatever that means because I literally bought it to use. But yeah having the ability more or less to say I want to go out to eat, buy this item, or travel somewhere is something I'm still getting use because I go through phases of spending until I have $0 or not spending at all for weeks on end. But it definitely makes me happy.

I guess I'll conclude this post with one more thing that makes me happy, and it's achieving goals. I feel like I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect that sometimes I can't appreciate the goals that I have achieved. Like academically I feel like I failed in a lot of ways since had to change a lot of my goals because the ones I had previously set were unattainable, but I failed to recognize that I came from living below the poverty line, with a single mother, first-generation college student as a black woman with dyslexia, studying STEM and a foreign language. Like the odds were stacked against me, but somehow I was able to graduate with a good GPA, a lot of good recommenders, fluent in another language, and a new-found family. Like whatttttt, isn't that an accomplishment 😌.

Okay if you made it to the end congratualtions and if you have any advice about me being less emotionally constipated please share whether it's scientific or simply something you do! Love you lots and see you next Thursday