So I'm excited for these themed post. Sometimes I feel like I listen a lot to other people because I genuinely enjoy listening and learning about other people and their mind, but sometimes I feel like I take a passive way of listening in that I don't engage with my own thoughts as well unless people explicitly ask me, you know ? I guess that's not too true about the bloggers since I feel like I know about y'all, so we just vibe together, but in day to day life where I'm cripplingly shy I listen more than I speak. So the theme seems perfect because I feel like I have so many things I want to sure but sometimes don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone /everyone.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to leaving Smith. I have found A LOT of people that I feel comfortable with in college. My social life has significantly increased. I feel thoroughly happy, but I can't help but feel that I have made so many friends not because Smith is inclusive but quite the opposite. If you don't agree with the mainstream ideas of these "quirky girl" tm you are automatically seen as dumb and barbaric. I hate Smith's mentality of woke rich white girls whose only redeeming quality is that they're smart. I always feel academically and financially inferior to many Smithies and that's not to say being smart and rich is a bad thing, but so many Smithies disguise things as being easy and natural to them even though they are working hard (duck effect) that it makes me feel invalid in the struggles that I'm going through and sometimes when I value partying or eating out I feel judged. I party because it's nice to go into a dark room with loud music and dance my heart out and parties is the appropriate setting for me to do this. The same way some people read, watch TV, or play music as a healthy outlet, partying is that outlet. And many people say that me eating out is too expensive, if I'm so poor why do I keep eating out and for me it's no one's business how I choose to spend my money and for me culturally eating a good meal with good company is important. So I think eating out in itself is bad, but the outcome that I'm looking for is important, if not integral to my happiness so it's something I'm willing to spend money on. I just feel overly judged at Smith and I know that this might sound hypocritical to you, but I don't think I'm judgmental but observant. When I see someone wearing an outfit that I don't like I will definitely take notice and comment on it because I love clothes, but I'm not judging the person's character, finances, or even their taste in clothes. It's more like a natural reaction. I have eyes and I make an observation. I'm internalizing and actually judging the person. And I feel comfortable with someone, so I share this observant but all too often people say I'm being judgmental when it's just not true...
Ugh, I feel like I'm being more negative than everyone else's post. I have positive memories at Smith and I'm looking forward to new memories. I'm looking forward to partying the night with Kiara and Naoni. I'm looking forward to actually practicing my French and having class with Rachel ( I have heard tales that it'll be fun!), hanging in the Capen with Emma and Erin, borrowing the Freedmen kitchen and cooking (plantains are at the top of my list), TA and learning physics again, mountain day, spring break in Montreal, and simply calling Sebastian whenever I'm walking home late at night. But my biggest dream is to become a psychiatrist and Smith feels like barrier to getting there. College has been academically hard. The readings and work load can feel unsurmountable and endless. I don't want to drunkenly romanticize my time at Smith, but instead be realistic about it. At the end of the day Smith is a challenging academic institution that taught me to be persistent and to look on the brighter side of life not because of the physical space, but those I have found a friend who was going through the same thing. I guess that's why it's easy for me to keep in contact because I feel like because we have gone through hell together that nothing, not even distance, will stop me from keeping in contact with you. That's why calling someone my friend takes a long time I guess.
Anyway, I try to take a step back and look at things objectively and thus far Smith has been 72% bad and 28% good. And this ratio is what I believe next semester will be like. I will cherish that 28% but I have already been doing that. That's why I don't care whether or not the semester is online or not because an educational institution will not determine my social life and how I live life. I will always live life the best as possible no matter where I'm at and what's going on!
(High school me trying to prove I have hops)
I feel as though i can replace those things at home you know. Like i don’t have to stop partying and eating out with friends because I’m not at Smith. Like good times with friends is good times with friends, you know. Also I’ve thought of being judgmental in that way! Really eye-opening. But taking comments to heart is when someone (the person being commented on) becomes sensitive like if someone’s intentions are good then it’s good no underlying meaning / reason other than making an observation. But this is why I get called tactless and brutally honest (i don’t take pride in this) I don’t mean harm ever to anyone but I must realize that no one is …
very interesting thoughts here! I know you're a listener so I'm glad you have this outlet to be really reflective.
I think you're right about being realistic about how good and bad things were and will be. I can't help but get nostalgic which makes things seem perhaps better or less hard than they really were... so I think it's admirable you can remember things for what they were
I struggle a lot with what it really means to be judgmental. It's one of those words I feel can be quite misunderstood/misused and I'm still not sure if I think of it "correctly". You're thoughts on it though and knowing your character help me clarify a bit more (still not…
I don't think you should feel bad about being pessimistic–this is your experience and you're just expressing that. I hope next year you can enjoy the time you have left at Smith and take all the good and leave the bad.
p.s. like the hops vid
I'm really sorry that your experience at smith hasn't been the best. And sorry you feel so judged/that people are judging you >:(
I think it's really cool of you to share your thoughts and such and that it's totally fine to be critical. Don't ever feel bad about complaining about the #truths of smith.
Also if it means anything... I think you are really smart and a great student, not to be patronizing but I really mean it. I hope that we can spend a bit more time together next semester than we have in past semesters.
I never saw an Alaska license plate :0 But I feel you on everything. I don’t think your being pessimistic/negative as much as you are trying to see things from both perspectives which is good. Like you, I don’t like smith or smithies. I appreciate the community a lot of us “outsiders” have made together that supports each other both academically and emotionally so that we can get through college and get our degree! I am just as excited as you are to leave Smith and never return :’)