Breaking Open

Last night, Caitlin and I said goodbye to Lily. We helped move her stuff out of her room to the rental car she and her mom are taking to the airport today. She tried to pawn her curtains off on us, because she forgot to pack them. She said she was sorry she didn't have time to vacuum her room, but that she had left two to-go coins as an apology to whoever ended up cleaning her room during our housekeeping shifts this upcoming week.

The goodbye itself was goofy and rushed and full of hugs and a couple of messy selfies. It was exactly what I expected, and perfect.

I said goodbye to a few other people yesterday and the night before. I'll miss a lot of people graduating this year - and next - but Lily was the one that got to me the most. I'm no good at goodbyes. When you say "goodbye" to someone in the moment, when you hug and say congratulations and I wish you the best and you're going to do great things and I'll miss you but stay in touch and maybe if you're in the area we'll meet up - it doesn't really feel real. It only hits - for me, at least - when I'm walking upstairs afterwards and thinking about how I run into Lily in Hillyer Atrium a lot, and how, no matter how many times I walk through Hillyer Atrium from now until I graduate, she won't be there. Next year someone else lives in Capen 202 and I'll have to stop calling it "Lily's room."

I guess it's the disruption of the routine that gets to me, I don't know.

I didn't mean to start this out so sad-sack-sounding. It's weird, when people graduate, when routines get disrupted. I'm not always super big on change. But it's not bad, it's just different. I may not see Lily in the ways that I'm used to, but instead, she's going to be doing great things somewhere else. Next year, my sister is moving to a whole new country, my other hometown friends graduating college are moving to different states. And sure, things will be different and some things may be hard, but that doesn't mean everything always staying the same is ideal, either. My sister, Lily, my other friends who graduated school, they're all embarking on a totally new phase in their lives, and even though I resist change sometimes, I'm also so excited to see what each of them does next.

Sophomore year was hard. For lots of reasons, big and small. A few days ago I finally filled a journal that I've been writing since freshman year of high school. When I write in journals, I have a bad habit of focusing on just how I feel, and avoiding talking about what I actually did. Specific names and places can sometimes be hard to come by in older entries. And it's easy to focus on just the negative feelings, but I know that when I look back on those times I was writing about in the journal, it wasn't all negative stuff. There were a lot of really great, happy moments in there too that I shouldn't write out so easily.

So sophomore year was hard, the end of the semester was pretty exhausting, and being here for senior week was a little bittersweet. But bittersweet shouldn't be all bitter, so here's some of the sweetest moments of the past week or so:

1. Reunion work has been surprisingly pretty fun. It feels good to do something physical for the first time in a while, and to have a clear goal in mind. I've been cleaning Ziskind, and I keep throwing out my back (blame it on scoliosis or the fact that my Tru Age is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 57-60), but it feels really good when you're done and all the rooms are clean.

2. Also me, Caitlin, and Karina did Sophomore Push this past week, which meant we got to go to Ivy Day and Commencement and sing for the seniors at Illuminations. I thought I'd find reunion kind of annoying but actually it was cute seeing all the alums really excited during the Ivy Day Parade, and even though I was so stressed about getting my assigned house's seniors in alphabetical order during Commencement, the ceremony was actually pretty fantastic. Also Illuminations was so beautiful, seeing Clara and Rowyn perform with their a capella groups was so nice :') And we had to write these song parodies about the seniors that were actually really fun to perform - it may have ruined the song "Old Town Road" for me forever, but I'm not too upset about that.

Paper Lanterns at Illuminations

Smith 2019 :^)

3. The night of Illuminations me and Caitlin did karaoke in Seelye which was really fun!!! I'm sitting in the same room right now and the lyrics we wrote on the chalkboards are still there.

4. We've been going to the gym??? I've been running and going for walks regularly?? Health!

5. I saw my Korean teacher teaching children Tae Kwon Do with her husband at the mall a few days ago and it was...very important and sweet

6. My sister graduated from college!! She didn't go to her ceremony but she posted a pic of her wearing her honors cord on her head on Instagram and I'm so proud and excited for her :-) Also we both just started watching the same tv show even though we've never talked about it with each other before :0

7. I saw this black cat yesterday which everyone knows is a good omen

8. Campus is so beautiful this time of year and even though I get sunburnt and bugbit, I love getting to be outside again and just walk around the botanic garden or sit by the pond.

Everything feels more possible in the spring. The whole world opens up again. I made myself a playlist of songs that make me feel hopeful, and the one that's been running through my mind most recently is the Mountain Goats' "Absolute Lithops Effect".

It's old tMG, off of their sixth album. The production isn't very smooth, John Darnielle's voice sounds a little fuzzy, a little farther away than the acoustic guitar's sharp chords. It's perfect.

In it, John Darnielle sings the lyric that's I've been caught up on the most this past week:

After one long season of waiting,

After one long season of wanting,

I am breaking open

This year was hard, but I'm hopeful. Change is scary, but I'm hopeful. Years go by, people graduate, and I can't always hold on to the routines that I want to, but that's okay. Every winter, I wonder what if summer doesn't come this time. Every year, as I walk in the snow, I wonder what if that warmth never comes back. Every year, the spring offers its sunshine again anyway, and the frost thaws. The grass greens, the flowers bloom again, just as surprising and brilliant every time.

I didn't mean for post #1 to be so long. But I'm excited to see where this summer, and this next year, takes each of us. I'm scared of change sometimes, but every once in a while, I actually look forward to that change. Like John Darnielle says, "with a little bit of water, and a little bit of sunlight, and a little bit of tender mercy," I can bloom again too. I'm ready.